How to Re-Zooify Your Human
According to Zooey
The daily Re-Zooification process is an important piece of the cat-human bond. Unlike cats, humans tend to use water to wash themselves. That means that all of the crucial oils and scents get flushed off of the human body and sent down the drain and must be reapplied daily.
Step 1: First and foremost, before you can properly participate in Re-Zooification, you must change your name to Zooey, if you were not lucky enough to be given the name already. (Rest assured that Zooey is a gender-neutral name, fitting for any gender. Technically, I was named after a male character, Zooey, of J. D. Salinger’s Franny and Zooey, but I’m a girl, and the name totally suits me.) Once you are appropriately named, you are ready to begin to Re-Zooify your human.
Step 2: When your human gets out of bed, snuggle into your sleeping position a bit more firmly. You have some time before you need to get up.
Step 3: Listen closely for the water shut-off. That’s your cue to get up and walk to the bathroom.
Step 4: Sit on the bath mat and wait for the shower door to slide open. As soon as it does, mew and stand up. Ideally, you should make it as difficult as possible for your human to place her own feet on the bath mat. Weave around and keep your human guessing about which centimeters on the mat might remain open.
Step 5: The moment your human’s first foot lands on the mat, begin rubbing your face all over it. Turn up the volume on your purr at the same time.
Step 6: When your human’s second foot lands on the mat, rub your face all over that one, too.
Step 7: Weave and slink between your human’s legs and continue to rub your face all over her feet until you have fully Re-Zooified them both. Remember to keep the volume on your purr turned up while you rub.
Step 8: Flop and roll on the mat while purring loudly until your human leans over to rub your belly and kiss your forehead. Repeat as necessary.
Step 9: When you are sure your human has been fully Re-Zooified, allow her to leave the bathroom to prepare for the equally important process of morning Coffee and Lap Time. You may stay and roll around on the bath mat while your human takes care of the initial steps in the next process.