How to Make a Guest Work for Attention

How to Make a Guest Work for Attention 

According to Thea 

As Written by The Minecraft Breaker 

(A Guest Post)  

What do think when you hear the door open and close and when you open your eyes you see a guest sitting on the sofa? Well, I think of ways to make the guests calm down and work to impress me in order to qualify as my playmates.
 And these are the steps on how to be treated like a god.  


Step one: Having an Air of Importance


Find a place where you can be easily spotted by the guests, and at the same time comfortable enough to pretend you’re having a nap. It will buy you some time to not be disturbed by the energetic guest who came in just to play with you. It will also help you to observe the guest and know when the guest comes. Every time a guest comes you will see the same pattern repeating over and over again: You will be offered treats by them. Don't be a fool and get up and run to the guest for those treats. Instead, take your time and make your guest wait a bit. The decision of whether the guest will qualify as a playmate can wait for later, but you should never miss a chance to enjoy treats. So, go to your human for treats instead, avoiding the guest. That way, the guest knows that you are the god of cats and deserve whatever you want in the world, and the guest should be like your servant. After you are done with your treats, it's time to test the guest to see if it’s worth playing with him. 
  


Step two: Observing the Guest


Now, take a stroll around the guest, but don't look straight at him. Just make some quick glances and keep your ears peeled for sound. If the guest is asking your human about your favorite toys to impress you, the guest might be worthy of playing with, as he wants to know what you like the best. Some guests just don't care about what you want and use any random toys to play with, in which case you should hide in a place where the guest won't be able to find you.
 Observe the guest to see if he qualifies as a playmate. If the guest immediately chases you, then do not show any interest in the guest. The same is true for shoving a whole bunch of herbs at you and throwing feathers all over the room. But if the guest doesn’t do those things, then it will be okay to play with him. For a while. 

Step Three: Making the Guest Work


When the guest starts trying to get you to play, you have to act like you are ignoring him at first. However, don't keep the guest waiting for too long. Otherwise he might get bored and decide to quit. So, you better keep responding every once in a while. If you leave the room, make sure you come back to see the guest. Make sure to let the guest find you when you hide and don’t run away when he discovers you. It will provoke the guest to come up with new ways to grab your attention. You have to take breaks, so that it helps the guest to be more energetic next time. Also, make sure to watch your guest very closely, so that you are always at the center of attention. If you see him starting to show any sign that he has stopped thinking about you, immediately try to show a little interest by coming closer to the guest. 
 
   
 
 
 

If you follow these steps, you will learn how to make your guest work for your attention and treat you like a god. 

P.S. Don’t let your guests read this, or they might change their ways and not treat you like a god. 

How to Train Your Visitors

How to Train Your Visitors

(Mini How-to Series 2)

According to Zooey and Thea 

If your human is anything like ours, she will occasionally open the door and invite other people into your home. Some of those people will remain at the door and then go away again. But others will walk all the way inside and stay for a while. Those people are called “visitors,” and they require their own training. We have different approaches to these people who are not our human, but we think our differing techniques complement each other and can work well when applied together. If you have siblings, you might split up the techniques like we do. If you’re an only pet, we recommend alternating between the following strategies for optimal training of your visitors. 

Step one: Friendly Cat, Scaredy Cat 

This first step works best when you have a sibling or two. In our household, when the door opens to grant a visitor access to our home, Zooey usually takes on the initial role of Friendly Cat, and Thea plays the part of the Scaredy Cat. 

When you are the Friendly Cat, you should trot right up to the threshold when the door opens and greet anyone there. Keep moving, though. You don’t want to get stepped on, especially when multiple people are entering the home at once. Encourage the visitors to follow you into the living room where there is more space. Then you sit or lounge in front of them, showing off your beauty and making them feel welcome. Make sure you are front and center as they enter the room. 

When you are the Scaredy Cat, you should run into the other room when strangers first arrive. Sometimes you can stay out in the open if your human is home, too. But make sure there is some distance between you and the visitors. If the visitors are loud or move too quickly, or if your human is not home, duck into one of your favorite hiding places. Top recommendations for hiding: Dive behind furniture or sit on a windowsill that is protected from the strangers’ view by curtains. The Friendly Cat will hold the visitors’ attention long enough for you to use your senses (primarily sound, obviously) to scope out the new people and determine whether they are safe. When you are ready, let them see you. If they still seem okay, go ahead and meet them. Just keep a close eye on your human (and your sibling) to make sure support is available if you need it. 

Step two: Keep the Focus on You 

We know that our readers are all talented in the art of getting attention, so we’ll keep this step short and sweet. Once you determine that the new people are not too scary, make the rounds of the living room. Circle the guests, sniff their belongings, and listen to them talk about how amazing you are. Check in with your human from time to time. She might even give you some treats, and she’ll show the visitors the best way to pet you. Let the visitors try to tempt you with toys or treats. You don’t actually have to play with them, but if you act interested sometimes, they’ll keep trying to coax you, which will keep the attention on you. 

Step three: Set Boundaries 

Attention is wonderful, but sometimes visitors get a little too enthusiastic. And sometimes a cat just needs a break. At first, you might retreat to higher ground. Pick a spot like the top of the refrigerator where you still have full view of the people and their activities, but where you are somewhat removed from direct contact. If the visitors’ enthusiasm gets out of control and they continue to pursue you, a hiss in the face is usually sufficient to tell them to back off. Open wide, expose your fangs, and give the visitors a good dose of your smelly cat food breath. They’ll get the point and give you a little space. They might still return to your spot to look at you, offer you catnip, and pet you, but they will move a little more slowly and respect your need for some time apart. 

Having visitors can sometimes be overwhelming, but if you follow these simple steps, you can train your visitors to shower you with attention when you want it AND give you space when you don’t.

How to Survive the Heat

How to Survive the Heat 

(Mini How-to Series 1)

According to Zooey and Thea 

After taking most of the summer off, we, Zooey and Thea, have decided to ease ourselves back into our how-to series. Today, we offer thoughts and recent experiences in a mini series of how-to writings. These are simple procedures that require fewer steps to accomplish, so they don’t warrant a detailed explanation. This mini series is also our first time collaborating on the how-to writing, and keeping things simple helped us avoid extended arguments about differing opinions. (In general, we get along with each other really well. But we are siblings, and conflicts sometimes occur. Just last night, for instance, Zooey claimed a spot on our human first, and when Thea came to bed, she chased Zooey away.) 

——————

Unless you are someone who truly flourishes in hot weather, summer days can be brutal. As furry creatures, we are not big fans of super hot weather, though we do enjoy being warm and cozy. In fact, our dislike of the heat was a primary reason behind our summer hiatus. We had only one how-to running through our minds on those hot days: how to survive until the cooler weather arrived. If you want to know our secret to beating the heat, you only need to learn to follow two easy steps. 

Step one: Make yourself as flat as possible. Summer is not a time for curling up on the pillows. Sprawl. Stretch out. Pretend you are the floor. Even when you are on other surfaces, pretend you are just a floppy, furry floorboard. 

Step two: Don’t move. Stay as still as cat-ly possible. Continue breathing, of course, but taking gentle breaths should be your only movement. Make yourself so still that your human has to rest her hand on your side to confirm that you are indeed breathing. 

If you stay flat and still, you will survive. You might not have much fun, but you will at least be more comfortable than those foolish dogs and humans who walk and run outside on hot days. 

Final side note: While you should spend most of your time spread out flat and immobile, take the occasional break from surviving the heat to sit on your human’s lap. Sure, she will complain. She will probably groan and say that it is too hot. But she will also grab the ratty, gray blanket, pull it over her lap, and let you enjoy some lap time. It is never too hot for a little lap time.

How to Train Your Human for Coffee and Lap Time (Thea's Version)

How to Train Your Human for Coffee and Lap Time 

According to Thea

You have already read my sister’s version of how to train your human for Coffee and Lap Time, but I have some different ideas about the best training methods. Like Zooey, it is one of my favorite times of the day. But I think I have a better approach to achieving optimum Coffee and Lap Time. 

Zooey is big on watching and waiting. I take more initiative. If you really want Coffee and Lap Time, it is best to be proactive. Don’t just wait around until your human settles in with her coffee. Follow your human as she moves from room to room. Follow her around the room, too. You want to stay close and be ready for any moment that she creates a lap by sitting down. (Actually, it doesn’t even really need to be a LAP, but I’ll save those instructions for another time. For true Coffee and Lap Time, the horizontal space that your human makes when she sits down is best.) 

While Zooey thinks it is best to wait until the coffee-making ritual has been completed, I think that is simply nonsense. By staying on my human’s heels as she moves around in the morning, I am already in position on the sofa the moment she starts to sit down, even if she is waiting for the water to boil or for the coffee to drip. So, when your human starts to bend her knees and sink onto the sofa, make sure you are already there. She might protest that she’s not ready, and she might push you aside until she pulls the ratty blanket over her lap, but if you keep nudging forward, you can force her to make room on the lap for you. 

It is true that your Coffee and Lap Time will be interrupted if you take this approach. But that does not mean it will be delayed. Keep nudging. Even when the silver device is present, there is still room for you on the lap. Once there, turn up your purr and claim your spot. Your human will delay the next steps in the coffee-making ritual for you. If you achieve maximum adorableness with your purr motor and gaze lovingly into your human’s eyes, she might even delay the final step of the coffee-making ritual so long that her coffee grows tepid before she rises off of the sofa to get it. As I keep telling Zooey, waiting on Coffee and Lap Time helps our human, not us. Our goal is to get her to sit as often and for as long as possible, whether she has her coffee or not. 

What about Zooey and her Coffee and Lap Time? Well, I admit that I sometimes have to share. Sometimes, Zooey’s patient waiting earns the attention of our human and I get booted off the lap to make space for my big sister. Sometimes, Zooey even beats me to the lap after the final step of the coffee-making ritual. If you have a similar big sister—or brother—in your household, here’s what you do when that happens: Sit on top of your sibling AND the lap. Trust me. There’s room for you, too. You can fit. You might have to wait until after your sibling finishes her paw-paw time, but as soon as she lies down, make your move. Climb on up and settle down close to your human. You can use your sibling’s patience to your benefit and have extra snuggly Coffee and Lap Time.  

How to Take Over English Class

How to Take Over English Class 

According to Duda 

(A Guest Post) 

Hello! My name is Duda, and I am a beautiful Himalayan Persian cat (a mix, really, but the important thing to remember is that I’m beautiful and mostly friendly). Zooey and Thea invited me to submit a guest post to their how-to series because I am experienced in the fine art of taking over English class. The steps below would also work for other types of classes, but I am currently applying them to my human’s weekly English class, so that’s our focus today. 

Step 1: When the weather is dry and mild, make your human let you out into the garden. Then sit or lounge on the front stoop and wait for the English teacher to approach. On rainy days, position yourself just inside the door. Alternatively, find a dry perch under the car where you can watch the teacher walk up the hill. The important point here is that you need to be first in line to greet the teacher when she arrives. 

Step 2: When the English teacher arrives at the stoop--or opens the door to the house--stand up and stretch your head toward her. Sniff her hand to confirm her identity. Then nudge that hand to make the English teacher give you a few head rubs before she moves forward. When she takes a step, wind yourself around her legs to slow her down and force her to talk to you a little more. Your human will be talking to the teacher at the same time, but by weaving your body between and around the teacher’s legs, you can still keep most of the attention focused on you. 

Step 3: Follow your human and the English teacher to the work area. Allow the teacher to take materials out of her backpack. Then jump onto the desk and sit on top of or in front of those materials. The teacher will have to look at you, and you will be too adorable for her to push away. When class gets going, your human and the teacher might overlook you even if you are sitting on materials, so be sure to move around from time to time. Go to the window. Jump down. Leave the room. But remember to return frequently to interrupt the class and bring the focus back to you. 

Note: If the work area is somehow closed off before you enter, paw at the door and mew. Your human will come to the door to check on you, thus granting you the window you need to slip in and jump on the desk. If the door gets closed again, you can repeat the process to draw attention to yourself when you want to leave the area. And again when you want to return. Ideally, you should be enough of a pest to remind your human that the door should remain open. 

Step 4: Either follow your human and the English teacher back to the door or meet them there. While the teacher puts her shoes back on, you can rub against her legs again. Then join her at the door to lead her out when the weather is fine. Stop on the stoop, so that the teacher has to turn back to the house to see how adorable you look. By bookending her arrival and departure in this way, you effectively take over the entire class. Even with whatever nonsense happens in the middle, your presence will dominate the experience and the teacher will be left with the impression of you and your adorableness at the forefront of her mind. She’ll sometimes even try to take your photo, but you can pretend to be more interested in the birds and chipmunks. That way, she can’t substitute a photo of you for the real thing, and you have an excuse to take over English class week after week. 

Bonus step: To make sure your human and the teacher continue to focus on you even when you are not present, torment the local chipmunk population. Each time you catch a chipmunk and bring it to your human, she will need to share the story with the teacher. This activity also allows you to show off your significant hunting skills and remind the chipmunks that it is dangerous to enter your garden.