How to Train Your Human

Zooey and Thea, black cats extraordinaire, share their wisdom regarding how to train one’s human. This series grew out of a short piece written for Arham to show him that how-to writing could be fun and silly. He requested more, and Zooey and Thea granted his request. The series will continue until Zooey and Thea declare it finished.

How to Train Your Visitors

(Mini How-to Series 2)

According to Zooey and Thea

If your human is anything like ours, she will occasionally open the door and invite other people into your home. Some of those people will remain at the door and then go away again. But others will walk all the way inside and stay for a while. Those people are called “visitors,” and they require their own training. We have different approaches to these people who are not our human, but we think our differing techniques complement each other and can work well when applied together. If you have siblings, you might split up the techniques like we do. If you’re an only pet, we recommend alternating between the following strategies for optimal training of your visitors.

Step one: Friendly Cat, Scaredy Cat

This first step works best when you have a sibling or two. In our household, when the door opens to grant a visitor access to our home, Zooey usually takes on the initial role of Friendly Cat, and Thea plays the part of the Scaredy Cat.

When you are the Friendly Cat, you should trot right up to the threshold when the door opens and greet anyone there. Keep moving, though. You don’t want to get stepped on, especially when multiple people are entering the home at once. Encourage the visitors to follow you into the living room where there is more space. Then you sit or lounge in front of them, showing off your beauty and making them feel welcome. Make sure you are front and center as they enter the room.

When you are the Scaredy Cat, you should run into the other room when strangers first arrive. Sometimes you can stay out in the open if your human is home, too. But make sure there is some distance between you and the visitors. If the visitors are loud or move too quickly, or if your human is not home, duck into one of your favorite hiding places. Top recommendations for hiding: Dive behind furniture or sit on a windowsill that is protected from the strangers’ view by curtains. The Friendly Cat will hold the visitors’ attention long enough for you to use your senses (primarily sound, obviously) to scope out the new people and determine whether they are safe. When you are ready, let them see you. If they still seem okay, go ahead and meet them. Just keep a close eye on your human (and your sibling) to make sure support is available if you need it.

Step two: Keep the Focus on You

We know that our readers are all talented in the art of getting attention, so we’ll keep this step short and sweet. Once you determine that the new people are not too scary, make the rounds of the living room. Circle the guests, sniff their belongings, and listen to them talk about how amazing you are. Check in with your human from time to time. She might even give you some treats, and she’ll show the visitors the best way to pet you. Let the visitors try to tempt you with toys or treats. You don’t actually have to play with them, but if you act interested sometimes, they’ll keep trying to coax you, which will keep the attention on you.

Step three: Set Boundaries

Attention is wonderful, but sometimes visitors get a little too enthusiastic. And sometimes a cat just needs a break. At first, you might retreat to higher ground. Pick a spot like the top of the refrigerator where you still have full view of the people and their activities, but where you are somewhat removed from direct contact. If the visitors’ enthusiasm gets out of control and they continue to pursue you, a hiss in the face is usually sufficient to tell them to back off. Open wide, expose your fangs, and give the visitors a good dose of your smelly cat food breath. They’ll get the point and give you a little space. They might still return to your spot to look at you, offer you catnip, and pet you, but they will move a little more slowly and respect your need for some time apart.

Having visitors can sometimes be overwhelming, but if you follow these simple steps, you can train your visitors to shower you with attention when you want it AND give you space when you don’t.

How to Survive the Heat

(Mini How-to Series 1)

According to Zooey and Thea

After taking most of the summer off, we, Zooey and Thea, have decided to ease ourselves back into our how-to series. Today, we offer thoughts and recent experiences in a mini series of how-to writings. These are simple procedures that require fewer steps to accomplish, so they don’t warrant a detailed explanation. This mini series is also our first time collaborating on the how-to writing, and keeping things simple helped us avoid extended arguments about differing opinions. (In general, we get along with each other really well. But we are siblings, and conflicts sometimes occur. Just last night, for instance, Zooey claimed a spot on our human first, and when Thea came to bed, she chased Zooey away.)

——————

Unless you are someone who truly flourishes in hot weather, summer days can be brutal. As furry creatures, we are not big fans of super hot weather, though we do enjoy being warm and cozy. In fact, our dislike of the heat was a primary reason behind our summer hiatus. We had only one how-to running through our minds on those hot days: how to survive until the cooler weather arrived. If you want to know our secret to beating the heat, you only need to learn to follow two easy steps.

Step one: Make yourself as flat as possible. Summer is not a time for curling up on the pillows. Sprawl. Stretch out. Pretend you are the floor. Even when you are on other surfaces, pretend you are just a floppy, furry floorboard.

Step two: Don’t move. Stay as still as cat-ly possible. Continue breathing, of course, but taking gentle breaths should be your only movement. Make yourself so still that your human has to rest her hand on your side to confirm that you are indeed breathing.

If you stay flat and still, you will survive. You might not have much fun, but you will at least be more comfortable than those foolish dogs and humans who walk and run outside on hot days.

Final side note: While you should spend most of your time spread out flat and immobile, take the occasional break from surviving the heat to sit on your human’s lap. Sure, she will complain. She will probably groan and say that it is too hot. But she will also grab the ratty, gray blanket, pull it over her lap, and let you enjoy some lap time. It is never too hot for a little lap time.

How to Win at Hide-and-Seek

According to Zooey

Technically, this post is about how to make your human search for you for as long as possible, but I like to think that I win at hide-and-seek when I’m successful. Although I often like to greet my human at the door when she returns, and I definitely want to spend as much time as possible sitting or lying on top of her when she is home, sometimes I make my human work for her greeting. And sometimes I am simply too comfortable in my napping place to get up. Anyway, I am an expert hider, and, if you follow my guidelines, you could be one, too.

Step one: Know your surroundings.

I am a black cat, and my human also happens to like the color for upholstery, blankets, and clothing. My cat carrier is black, and so are many of my human’s bags and backpacks. In short, we have a good supply of camouflage readily available throughout the apartment. Why is that important? Easy. Camouflage means that you can hide in plain sight. Sometimes my human will look right at me and not see me at first, especially if I keep my eyes closed. Look for ways to hide in plain sight in your surroundings. You don’t have to be a black cat with lots of black items around. You could be a white cat with white surroundings, a gray cat with gray surroundings, a tortoise-shell cat with mixed colors, and so on. There are lots of ways to blend in. Look for them.

If hiding in plain sight is too difficult, seek out the nooks and crannies. Go high. Go low. Make your human work and stretch and bend to find you. Challenge her line of sight. Make her climb up on furniture or squat down low. Up high, my favorite hiding spot is on top of the kitchen cabinets. If I stretch out near the wall, my human might only be able to see the tip of one ear or the edge of one paw. My sister prefers the storage area above the washer and dryer. There, she not only uses height but also has the cushioned camouflage of an old duffel filled with seldom-used bed linens. (The duffel bag is black, and my sister is, too.) Down low, I have several favorites. One of the cupboards that my human has not locked has a perfect shelf for snoozing. It is so dark in the cupboard that my human can’t see me unless she shines a light directly into the space. She has to crouch way down and reach up into the cupboard to find me. Another favorite low spot is inside my cat carrier. I have one of the soft-sided ones, and it’s dark and cozy in there, as long as my human doesn’t try to close it completely. She only does that when she takes me out in the car, which is usually to go to the vet, so I really don’t like it when the carrier gets zipped closed. But when the front flap stays open, I like to curl up way in the back. My human will walk right past me without seeing me. Other good spots include under the bed or other furniture, on the bookshelf behind the books, behind heavy curtains, and inside cardboard boxes.

Step two: Change your routine.

One of the best ways to win at hide-and-seek is to get your human used to finding you in one spot, and then suddenly change your routine. My human knows a lot of my favorite locations, but I can still fool her and send her searching, searching, searching. I’ll spend a week or a month or more napping in one of my cat beds. Then I’ll switch to the cupboard for a few days. Then I’ll move to the carrier, or I’ll go on top of the cabinets. Every now and then I discover an entirely new cozy spot, like behind the piles of books and papers that are (temporarily, supposedly) stored under the desk. Sometimes, my sister and I swap places, and I’ll take over her usual spot on the sofa or on top of our human’s pillows. My human might see me—though sometimes we blend in with the black upholstery—but at first glance she’ll mistakenly think I’m my sister and go searching elsewhere for me.

Step three: Watch for the closet door to open.

My human keeps a lot of things in the closet and she tries to keep me out of it, so the door is usually closed. This one is a little risky because you could end up closed in for the day, but my human doesn’t like to leave home without laying eyes on my sister and me, so the risk isn’t too high for us. If she finds one or both of us in the closet, she’ll sigh and leave a door open for us. Worst case scenario: If you get closed in, pushing the door at the right spot can open it. And it can be worth the risk because our closet contains several great hiding spots. I mostly like to be on the floor in the low space under the built-in shelves. Sometimes I like to curl up on top of a small dresser under my human’s pants, with the pants creating a curtain for my private bedroom. My sister likes a spot on an upper shelf next to a bunch of old sweatshirts. (She always seems to go up, while I sometimes like to go down.) All three spots require our human to twist and strain to see us, and she might even have to move clothes and papers out of the way.

Step four: Stay quiet.

When I really want to win, I keep my mouth shut and don’t respond to my human’s calls. If she’s been looking for a while, I’ll sometimes throw her a mew or two, especially when she is staring right at me and still not seeing me. But sometimes I wait to respond until she actually reaches in and makes contact with my fur if I’m tucked away, or until she looks me in the eyes. (Keeping your eyes closed is another important piece of hiding in plain sight.) That’s the beauty of hiding in plain sight: It only works if you stay quiet. If you meow or rustle around, you will be found. But if you stay quiet, your human will have to work harder to find you. The more spots your human has to check and the longer it takes her to see you, the bigger your hide-and-seek win.

How to Train Your Human for Coffee and Lap Time

(Note: Some compromises and patience are required.)

According to Zooey

Training your human for Coffee and Lap Time is a more complex process than Re-Zooification is. While it is easy to demand and receive lap time, I have learned that if I want more than a few minutes on the lap, I must wait patiently for my human to prepare coffee and settle in. Otherwise, she will kick me off just as I’m getting comfortable. In my household, there is an additional danger/compromise that comes from waiting. My little sister sometimes pushes her way onto the lap while I am exercising patience. Then I have to wait longer. I sometimes have to wait so long that I give up and curl up next to my human instead of on her lap. But when it works, Coffee and Lap Time is one of my favorite times of the day.

Here’s what you do to achieve that magical moment. After the Re-Zooification process, distract yourself with some extended time rolling around the bath mat while your human gets things started in the kitchen. When you hear water flowing into the kettle and flames burning beneath it on the stove, leave the bathroom and follow your person around the kitchen for a while. Remind her to put cat food out, too.

It takes time for the water to come to a boil, so your human will likely sit down. Don’t be fooled by this. She will jump up again in a few minutes, so this is not the time to claim the lap. However, you should follow her over to the sofa and find an appropriate waiting spot. You want to be close enough to stare woefully at your human but far enough that you do not interfere with her coffee-making rituals. Any interference only slows your human down and delays Coffee and Lap Time.

Continue to sit and stare woefully when your human returns to the sofa after pouring hot water over her coffee grounds. Although she will sit for a while longer, it is still not quite Coffee and Lap Time. She might even cover the lap with a silver electronic device. (Regarding that device, for some reason, your human may not appreciate your walking across the black keys on the bottom. Doing so could result in loud noises and movements that further impede future Coffee and Lap Time.)

When your human returns to the sofa with a coffee mug in hand, edge a little closer to remind her that you are waiting for Coffee and Lap Time. Wait patiently while she places a ratty blanket over her lap and settles in to her seat. This is the risky moment. If your little sister has joined the wait, she will likely pounce on the lap as soon as the blanket is in place. Try to get there first if you can. If your sister gets there first, you must continue to wait patiently. Make yourself look at sad as possible, so that your human will limit your little sister’s time and make room for you.

Assuming you are able to stake your claim on the lap, Coffee and Lap Time can now officially begin. Purr, knead your human’s lap, purr some more, and curl up in a ball. Your human will sip her coffee, twist her back to work without disturbing you, and gently stroke your head and back just the way you like. If your human got out of bed when she was supposed to, you can spend up to 30 minutes holding her in place during Coffee and Lap Time.

How to Re-Zooify Your Human

According to Zooey

The daily Re-Zooification process is an important piece of the cat-human bond. Unlike cats, humans tend to use water to wash themselves. That means that all of the crucial oils and scents get flushed off of the human body and sent down the drain and must be reapplied daily.

Step 1: First and foremost, before you can properly participate in Re-Zooification, you must change your name to Zooey, if you were not lucky enough to be given the name already. (Rest assured that Zooey is a gender-neutral name, fitting for any gender. Technically, I was named after a male character, Zooey, of J. D. Salinger’s Franny and Zooey, but I’m a girl, and the name totally suits me.) Once you are appropriately named, you are ready to begin to Re-Zooify your human.

Step 2: When your human gets out of bed, snuggle into your sleeping position a bit more firmly. You have some time before you need to get up.

Step 3: Listen closely for the water shut-off. That’s your cue to get up and walk to the bathroom.

Step 4: Sit on the bath mat and wait for the shower door to slide open. As soon as it does, mew and stand up. Ideally, you should make it as difficult as possible for your human to place her own feet on the bath mat. Weave around and keep your human guessing about which centimeters on the mat might remain open.

Step 5: The moment your human’s first foot lands on the mat, begin rubbing your face all over it. Turn up the volume on your purr at the same time.

Step 6: When your human’s second foot lands on the mat, rub your face all over that one, too.

Step 7: Weave and slink between your human’s legs and continue to rub your face all over her feet until you have fully Re-Zooified them both. Remember to keep the volume on your purr turned up while you rub.

Step 8: Flop and roll on the mat while purring loudly until your human leans over to rub your belly and kiss your forehead. Repeat as necessary.

Step 9: When you are sure your human has been fully Re-Zooified, allow her to leave the bathroom to prepare for the equally important process of morning Coffee and Lap Time. You may stay and roll around on the bath mat while your human takes care of the initial steps in the next process.