How to Train Your Human for Coffee and Lap Time
(Note: Some compromises and patience are required.)
According to Zooey
Training your human for Coffee and Lap Time is a more complex process than Re-Zooification is. While it is easy to demand and receive lap time, I have learned that if I want more than a few minutes on the lap, I must wait patiently for my human to prepare coffee and settle in. Otherwise, she will kick me off just as I’m getting comfortable. In my household, there is an additional danger/compromise that comes from waiting. My little sister sometimes pushes her way onto the lap while I am exercising patience. Then I have to wait longer. I sometimes have to wait so long that I give up and curl up next to my human instead of on her lap. But when it works, Coffee and Lap Time is one of my favorite times of the day.
Here’s what you do to achieve that magical moment. After the Re-Zooification process, distract yourself with some extended time rolling around the bath mat while your human gets things started in the kitchen. When you hear water flowing into the kettle and flames burning beneath it on the stove, leave the bathroom and follow your person around the kitchen for a while. Remind her to put cat food out, too.
It takes time for the water to come to a boil, so your human will likely sit down. Don’t be fooled by this. She will jump up again in a few minutes, so this is not the time to claim the lap. However, you should follow her over to the sofa and find an appropriate waiting spot. You want to be close enough to stare woefully at your human but far enough that you do not interfere with her coffee-making rituals. Any interference only slows your human down and delays Coffee and Lap Time.
Continue to sit and stare woefully when your human returns to the sofa after pouring hot water over her coffee grounds. Although she will sit for a while longer, it is still not quite Coffee and Lap Time. She might even cover the lap with a silver electronic device. (Regarding that device, for some reason, your human may not appreciate your walking across the black keys on the bottom. Doing so could result in loud noises and movements that further impede future Coffee and Lap Time.)
When your human returns to the sofa with a coffee mug in hand, edge a little closer to remind her that you are waiting for Coffee and Lap Time. Wait patiently while she places a ratty blanket over her lap and settles in to her seat. This is the risky moment. If your little sister has joined the wait, she will likely pounce on the lap as soon as the blanket is in place. Try to get there first if you can. If your sister gets there first, you must continue to wait patiently. Make yourself look at sad as possible, so that your human will limit your little sister’s time and make room for you.
Assuming you are able to stake your claim on the lap, Coffee and Lap Time can now officially begin. Purr, knead your human’s lap, purr some more, and curl up in a ball. Your human will sip her coffee, twist her back to work without disturbing you, and gently stroke your head and back just the way you like. If your human got out of bed when she was supposed to, you can spend up to 30 minutes holding her in place during Coffee and Lap Time.