How to Teach Your Human to Stay in Bed
According to Thea
If your human is anything like mine, then she probably has some sort of device that makes noise in the morning. Most mornings, when the device goes off, my human groans, turns over, taps the device, and sinks more deeply into her bed. In other words, this is an easy lesson to teach. Humans, by my observation, want to stay in bed in the morning. Your job is to encourage that natural inclination and watch out for those rare occasions when your human tries to leave the bed the moment the device sounds.
As a cat, you have two powerful weapons in your natural arsenal that humans cannot resist: cuddling and purring. Use them. Here’s how:
Step 1: If you are not already sleeping on top of your human’s legs, move into position as soon as the alarm goes off. This guarantees that your human will tap the device and stay in bed a bit longer because she “hates to disturb you,” especially when you just got comfortable. Pinning the legs to the bed also limits movement and makes it more difficult for your human to remove the legs from the bed.
Step 2: If the alarm sounds again and your human sighs and stretches, be ready to turn on the purr. She may be thinking about leaving the bed. Settle more deeply onto her legs, shifting as she shifts to remain on top of them, and make your purr extra loud. Your human will be powerless to resist. She will tap the device again and reach down to pet you. Purr even louder to reinforce this behavior.
Step 3: If your human starts making noises saying that she’s really sorry but she has to get up, make it as difficult for her as possible. Stay on top of her legs as she tries to move them. If she wiggles her legs free, position yourself between your human and the edge of the bed, so that she really has to maneuver around you and feels bad about disturbing your cuddle time. Once your human has completely contorted her body to sit up and reach the edge of the bed, the fight is over, and you might as well jump down to go supervise her shower. Plus, you can remind her of your power because if you had jumped down when she first tried to get up, she would not have needed to contort her body.
The Power Move: Reserve your real power for those mornings when your human acts like she is going to leave the bed the first time the device sounds. On those mornings, curling up or stretching out on her legs is not enough. You must sit on her chest and turn your purr up to full volume in her face. Rubbing against her head and gazing into her eyes can help, too, but it is vital that you position yourself so close to your human’s face that she cannot focus properly, and then purr, purr, purr. The louder the better! Your human might complain, but you’ll be able to hear in her voice that she doesn’t really mean it. She will be completely under your control. The next time she reaches for that device, it will likely be to record your adorableness. Once that happens, you’ve got her where you want her for at least another nine minutes, and probably longer. I once held my human in place for 30 minutes using this technique. It really works!
Of course, your human will eventually leave the bed no matter how skilled you are at cuddling and purring. But don’t worry. You can resume the process during Coffee and Lap Time. And if you really train your human well, she will learn to expect your presence on top of her whenever she is seated or lying down. I’m especially fond of becoming a lump on my human’s hip when she is reading or streaming videos in the evening, but I’ll save those instructions for another time.