How to Make a Guest Work for Attention

How to Make a Guest Work for Attention 

According to Thea 

As Written by The Minecraft Breaker 

(A Guest Post)  

What do think when you hear the door open and close and when you open your eyes you see a guest sitting on the sofa? Well, I think of ways to make the guests calm down and work to impress me in order to qualify as my playmates.
 And these are the steps on how to be treated like a god.  


Step one: Having an Air of Importance


Find a place where you can be easily spotted by the guests, and at the same time comfortable enough to pretend you’re having a nap. It will buy you some time to not be disturbed by the energetic guest who came in just to play with you. It will also help you to observe the guest and know when the guest comes. Every time a guest comes you will see the same pattern repeating over and over again: You will be offered treats by them. Don't be a fool and get up and run to the guest for those treats. Instead, take your time and make your guest wait a bit. The decision of whether the guest will qualify as a playmate can wait for later, but you should never miss a chance to enjoy treats. So, go to your human for treats instead, avoiding the guest. That way, the guest knows that you are the god of cats and deserve whatever you want in the world, and the guest should be like your servant. After you are done with your treats, it's time to test the guest to see if it’s worth playing with him. 
  


Step two: Observing the Guest


Now, take a stroll around the guest, but don't look straight at him. Just make some quick glances and keep your ears peeled for sound. If the guest is asking your human about your favorite toys to impress you, the guest might be worthy of playing with, as he wants to know what you like the best. Some guests just don't care about what you want and use any random toys to play with, in which case you should hide in a place where the guest won't be able to find you.
 Observe the guest to see if he qualifies as a playmate. If the guest immediately chases you, then do not show any interest in the guest. The same is true for shoving a whole bunch of herbs at you and throwing feathers all over the room. But if the guest doesn’t do those things, then it will be okay to play with him. For a while. 

Step Three: Making the Guest Work


When the guest starts trying to get you to play, you have to act like you are ignoring him at first. However, don't keep the guest waiting for too long. Otherwise he might get bored and decide to quit. So, you better keep responding every once in a while. If you leave the room, make sure you come back to see the guest. Make sure to let the guest find you when you hide and don’t run away when he discovers you. It will provoke the guest to come up with new ways to grab your attention. You have to take breaks, so that it helps the guest to be more energetic next time. Also, make sure to watch your guest very closely, so that you are always at the center of attention. If you see him starting to show any sign that he has stopped thinking about you, immediately try to show a little interest by coming closer to the guest. 
 
   
 
 
 

If you follow these steps, you will learn how to make your guest work for your attention and treat you like a god. 

P.S. Don’t let your guests read this, or they might change their ways and not treat you like a god. 

How to Train Your Visitors

How to Train Your Visitors

(Mini How-to Series 2)

According to Zooey and Thea 

If your human is anything like ours, she will occasionally open the door and invite other people into your home. Some of those people will remain at the door and then go away again. But others will walk all the way inside and stay for a while. Those people are called “visitors,” and they require their own training. We have different approaches to these people who are not our human, but we think our differing techniques complement each other and can work well when applied together. If you have siblings, you might split up the techniques like we do. If you’re an only pet, we recommend alternating between the following strategies for optimal training of your visitors. 

Step one: Friendly Cat, Scaredy Cat 

This first step works best when you have a sibling or two. In our household, when the door opens to grant a visitor access to our home, Zooey usually takes on the initial role of Friendly Cat, and Thea plays the part of the Scaredy Cat. 

When you are the Friendly Cat, you should trot right up to the threshold when the door opens and greet anyone there. Keep moving, though. You don’t want to get stepped on, especially when multiple people are entering the home at once. Encourage the visitors to follow you into the living room where there is more space. Then you sit or lounge in front of them, showing off your beauty and making them feel welcome. Make sure you are front and center as they enter the room. 

When you are the Scaredy Cat, you should run into the other room when strangers first arrive. Sometimes you can stay out in the open if your human is home, too. But make sure there is some distance between you and the visitors. If the visitors are loud or move too quickly, or if your human is not home, duck into one of your favorite hiding places. Top recommendations for hiding: Dive behind furniture or sit on a windowsill that is protected from the strangers’ view by curtains. The Friendly Cat will hold the visitors’ attention long enough for you to use your senses (primarily sound, obviously) to scope out the new people and determine whether they are safe. When you are ready, let them see you. If they still seem okay, go ahead and meet them. Just keep a close eye on your human (and your sibling) to make sure support is available if you need it. 

Step two: Keep the Focus on You 

We know that our readers are all talented in the art of getting attention, so we’ll keep this step short and sweet. Once you determine that the new people are not too scary, make the rounds of the living room. Circle the guests, sniff their belongings, and listen to them talk about how amazing you are. Check in with your human from time to time. She might even give you some treats, and she’ll show the visitors the best way to pet you. Let the visitors try to tempt you with toys or treats. You don’t actually have to play with them, but if you act interested sometimes, they’ll keep trying to coax you, which will keep the attention on you. 

Step three: Set Boundaries 

Attention is wonderful, but sometimes visitors get a little too enthusiastic. And sometimes a cat just needs a break. At first, you might retreat to higher ground. Pick a spot like the top of the refrigerator where you still have full view of the people and their activities, but where you are somewhat removed from direct contact. If the visitors’ enthusiasm gets out of control and they continue to pursue you, a hiss in the face is usually sufficient to tell them to back off. Open wide, expose your fangs, and give the visitors a good dose of your smelly cat food breath. They’ll get the point and give you a little space. They might still return to your spot to look at you, offer you catnip, and pet you, but they will move a little more slowly and respect your need for some time apart. 

Having visitors can sometimes be overwhelming, but if you follow these simple steps, you can train your visitors to shower you with attention when you want it AND give you space when you don’t.

How to Survive the Heat

How to Survive the Heat 

(Mini How-to Series 1)

According to Zooey and Thea 

After taking most of the summer off, we, Zooey and Thea, have decided to ease ourselves back into our how-to series. Today, we offer thoughts and recent experiences in a mini series of how-to writings. These are simple procedures that require fewer steps to accomplish, so they don’t warrant a detailed explanation. This mini series is also our first time collaborating on the how-to writing, and keeping things simple helped us avoid extended arguments about differing opinions. (In general, we get along with each other really well. But we are siblings, and conflicts sometimes occur. Just last night, for instance, Zooey claimed a spot on our human first, and when Thea came to bed, she chased Zooey away.) 

——————

Unless you are someone who truly flourishes in hot weather, summer days can be brutal. As furry creatures, we are not big fans of super hot weather, though we do enjoy being warm and cozy. In fact, our dislike of the heat was a primary reason behind our summer hiatus. We had only one how-to running through our minds on those hot days: how to survive until the cooler weather arrived. If you want to know our secret to beating the heat, you only need to learn to follow two easy steps. 

Step one: Make yourself as flat as possible. Summer is not a time for curling up on the pillows. Sprawl. Stretch out. Pretend you are the floor. Even when you are on other surfaces, pretend you are just a floppy, furry floorboard. 

Step two: Don’t move. Stay as still as cat-ly possible. Continue breathing, of course, but taking gentle breaths should be your only movement. Make yourself so still that your human has to rest her hand on your side to confirm that you are indeed breathing. 

If you stay flat and still, you will survive. You might not have much fun, but you will at least be more comfortable than those foolish dogs and humans who walk and run outside on hot days. 

Final side note: While you should spend most of your time spread out flat and immobile, take the occasional break from surviving the heat to sit on your human’s lap. Sure, she will complain. She will probably groan and say that it is too hot. But she will also grab the ratty, gray blanket, pull it over her lap, and let you enjoy some lap time. It is never too hot for a little lap time.

How to Train Your Human for Coffee and Lap Time (Thea's Version)

How to Train Your Human for Coffee and Lap Time 

According to Thea

You have already read my sister’s version of how to train your human for Coffee and Lap Time, but I have some different ideas about the best training methods. Like Zooey, it is one of my favorite times of the day. But I think I have a better approach to achieving optimum Coffee and Lap Time. 

Zooey is big on watching and waiting. I take more initiative. If you really want Coffee and Lap Time, it is best to be proactive. Don’t just wait around until your human settles in with her coffee. Follow your human as she moves from room to room. Follow her around the room, too. You want to stay close and be ready for any moment that she creates a lap by sitting down. (Actually, it doesn’t even really need to be a LAP, but I’ll save those instructions for another time. For true Coffee and Lap Time, the horizontal space that your human makes when she sits down is best.) 

While Zooey thinks it is best to wait until the coffee-making ritual has been completed, I think that is simply nonsense. By staying on my human’s heels as she moves around in the morning, I am already in position on the sofa the moment she starts to sit down, even if she is waiting for the water to boil or for the coffee to drip. So, when your human starts to bend her knees and sink onto the sofa, make sure you are already there. She might protest that she’s not ready, and she might push you aside until she pulls the ratty blanket over her lap, but if you keep nudging forward, you can force her to make room on the lap for you. 

It is true that your Coffee and Lap Time will be interrupted if you take this approach. But that does not mean it will be delayed. Keep nudging. Even when the silver device is present, there is still room for you on the lap. Once there, turn up your purr and claim your spot. Your human will delay the next steps in the coffee-making ritual for you. If you achieve maximum adorableness with your purr motor and gaze lovingly into your human’s eyes, she might even delay the final step of the coffee-making ritual so long that her coffee grows tepid before she rises off of the sofa to get it. As I keep telling Zooey, waiting on Coffee and Lap Time helps our human, not us. Our goal is to get her to sit as often and for as long as possible, whether she has her coffee or not. 

What about Zooey and her Coffee and Lap Time? Well, I admit that I sometimes have to share. Sometimes, Zooey’s patient waiting earns the attention of our human and I get booted off the lap to make space for my big sister. Sometimes, Zooey even beats me to the lap after the final step of the coffee-making ritual. If you have a similar big sister—or brother—in your household, here’s what you do when that happens: Sit on top of your sibling AND the lap. Trust me. There’s room for you, too. You can fit. You might have to wait until after your sibling finishes her paw-paw time, but as soon as she lies down, make your move. Climb on up and settle down close to your human. You can use your sibling’s patience to your benefit and have extra snuggly Coffee and Lap Time.  

How to Satisfy Your Coffee Fix

How to Satisfy Your Coffee Fix 

According to Thea 

Do you know the taste of coffee? That dark, rich, bitter liquid that many humans drink? If not, I recommend that you try it. I discovered it when I was a tiny kitten, and I cannot get enough of it! 

When you are first discovering coffee, you might need to stick your face in a lot of different cylindrically shaped containers. I often find that the tall glass ones contain water, and they are a fun size for dipping your paw in the liquid. Sometimes those tall glasses have a sweet-smelling liquid that fizzes, though, so beware. The fizzy liquid tickles your nose and can make you sneeze. There’s another kind of tall glass container that has a long stem at the bottom. My human seems to like the liquid that comes in that container as much as she likes coffee, but it is not for me. One whiff and I know I don’t want it. Coffee, though, that’s a smell that draws me in. Sometimes nutty, sometimes earthy, sometimes chocolate-y, always strong and rich. My human mostly drinks it out of medium-sized cylindrical containers that have a curved stem on the side. During the hot summer months, coffee sometimes comes in the tall, glass containers, too (with the added fun of ice cubes rattling around in it). The point is, once you smell it, the scent is utterly recognizable and impossible to resist. The trick then becomes how to satisfy your craving for it. 

So, how do you satisfy your coffee fix? With persistence and patience. 

The first step is learning to recognize the smell, as described above. Next, observe your human’s behavior. What does her coffee ritual look like? My human has a few different ways that she makes coffee, but they all seem to involve some combination of ground-up coffee beans and water. Sometimes she makes a horrible noise by grinding the beans. Other times, she seems to scoop them pre-ground into her different coffee makers. I suppose some cats might be interested in that part of the process, but I just want the finished product. So, I keep an eye out for the moment that my human picks up a container of liquid with the coffee smell and walks toward one of her sitting places. On weekday mornings, she most commonly sits on the sofa with the silver rectangular device perched on the pillows next to her and a plate of food and a cup of coffee on the hard, flat edge of the sofa next to that. As soon as she sits down, I begin the coffee dance. 

I walk across my human and the pillows, heading toward the edge of the sofa. I might pause for a moment in front of the screen she’s trying to read. This helps to distract her. Then I pretend I need to move to the back of the sofa by way of the hard edge. Unfortunately, my human usually sees me as soon as I step onto the edge and begin to bend my head toward that sweet, sweet liquid, and she’ll grab the cup out of my reach. She usually snatches the plate, too, thereby depriving me of whatever nibbles it might contain. That first dance may not lead to any coffee, but rest assured that it serves a purpose: It reminds your human that you want some coffee and lets her know that you won’t stop until you succeed. As a bonus, you can also make your human look and feel ridiculous as she sits holding her plate and cup. It prevents her from tapping on the silver device and prevents her from actually eating whatever is on the plate. She can, however, continue to sip the coffee, which is what you want. Each sip that she takes brings it closer to your turn with the coffee cup. Plus, if your big sister is having Coffee and Lap Time, this move also prevents your human from stroking your sister and giving her extra attention. Sure, she still has the lap, but at least she doesn’t get the hands, too. 

The dance of picking up, sipping, and putting down usually continues for about 15 minutes or so. You can circle around and around, walking over your human, making her pick up the plate and cup, continuing to the back of the sofa, then back to your human, etc. If you prefer, you can also simply perch on the back of the sofa behind your human’s head. You can also squeeze onto your human’s lap on top of your big sister or even claim the lap for yourself. That’s not a bad way to wait out your turn, so I highly recommend taking some lap time if you can’t get to the coffee right away. 

While you wait, listen to the sound the cup makes when your human returns it to the hard surface. You can hear the change as the volume of liquid decreases. Act patient. Pretend you’ve lost interest. But listen carefully. You are waiting for the moment when the cup sounds empty. That’s when you really strike. Let your human focus on whatever she’s doing with the silver device and pretend you are no longer interested. Then, when your human lets her guard down, quickly and quietly slink over to the cup and stick your tongue on the inside edge. Your human may groan and complain, but once you lick the cup, it’s yours. 

If you have properly trained your human by licking the coffee cup whenever it is neglected, your human will start to signal when it is your turn by placing the cup (sometimes the plate of crumbs, too!) on the floor for you. But don’t bother waiting for the signal. Make your move and satisfy your coffee fix. You won’t regret it!