How to Train Your Human for Coffee and Lap Time
According to Thea
You have already read my sister’s version of how to train your human for Coffee and Lap Time, but I have some different ideas about the best training methods. Like Zooey, it is one of my favorite times of the day. But I think I have a better approach to achieving optimum Coffee and Lap Time.
Zooey is big on watching and waiting. I take more initiative. If you really want Coffee and Lap Time, it is best to be proactive. Don’t just wait around until your human settles in with her coffee. Follow your human as she moves from room to room. Follow her around the room, too. You want to stay close and be ready for any moment that she creates a lap by sitting down. (Actually, it doesn’t even really need to be a LAP, but I’ll save those instructions for another time. For true Coffee and Lap Time, the horizontal space that your human makes when she sits down is best.)
While Zooey thinks it is best to wait until the coffee-making ritual has been completed, I think that is simply nonsense. By staying on my human’s heels as she moves around in the morning, I am already in position on the sofa the moment she starts to sit down, even if she is waiting for the water to boil or for the coffee to drip. So, when your human starts to bend her knees and sink onto the sofa, make sure you are already there. She might protest that she’s not ready, and she might push you aside until she pulls the ratty blanket over her lap, but if you keep nudging forward, you can force her to make room on the lap for you.
It is true that your Coffee and Lap Time will be interrupted if you take this approach. But that does not mean it will be delayed. Keep nudging. Even when the silver device is present, there is still room for you on the lap. Once there, turn up your purr and claim your spot. Your human will delay the next steps in the coffee-making ritual for you. If you achieve maximum adorableness with your purr motor and gaze lovingly into your human’s eyes, she might even delay the final step of the coffee-making ritual so long that her coffee grows tepid before she rises off of the sofa to get it. As I keep telling Zooey, waiting on Coffee and Lap Time helps our human, not us. Our goal is to get her to sit as often and for as long as possible, whether she has her coffee or not.
What about Zooey and her Coffee and Lap Time? Well, I admit that I sometimes have to share. Sometimes, Zooey’s patient waiting earns the attention of our human and I get booted off the lap to make space for my big sister. Sometimes, Zooey even beats me to the lap after the final step of the coffee-making ritual. If you have a similar big sister—or brother—in your household, here’s what you do when that happens: Sit on top of your sibling AND the lap. Trust me. There’s room for you, too. You can fit. You might have to wait until after your sibling finishes her paw-paw time, but as soon as she lies down, make your move. Climb on up and settle down close to your human. You can use your sibling’s patience to your benefit and have extra snuggly Coffee and Lap Time.