How to Win at Hide-and-Seek

How to Win at Hide-and-Seek 

According to Zooey 

Technically, this post is about how to make your human search for you for as long as possible, but I like to think that I win at hide-and-seek when I’m successful. Although I often like to greet my human at the door when she returns, and I definitely want to spend as much time as possible sitting or lying on top of her when she is home, sometimes I make my human work for her greeting. And sometimes I am simply too comfortable in my napping place to get up. Anyway, I am an expert hider, and, if you follow my guidelines, you could be one, too. 

Step one: Know your surroundings. 

I am a black cat, and my human also happens to like the color for upholstery, blankets, and clothing. My cat carrier is black, and so are many of my human’s bags and backpacks. In short, we have a good supply of camouflage readily available throughout the apartment. Why is that important? Easy. Camouflage means that you can hide in plain sight. Sometimes my human will look right at me and not see me at first, especially if I keep my eyes closed. Look for ways to hide in plain sight in your surroundings. You don’t have to be a black cat with lots of black items around. You could be a white cat with white surroundings, a gray cat with gray surroundings, a tortoise-shell cat with mixed colors, and so on. There are lots of ways to blend in. Look for them. 

If hiding in plain sight is too difficult, seek out the nooks and crannies. Go high. Go low. Make your human work and stretch and bend to find you. Challenge her line of sight. Make her climb up on furniture or squat down low. Up high, my favorite hiding spot is on top of the kitchen cabinets. If I stretch out near the wall, my human might only be able to see the tip of one ear or the edge of one paw. My sister prefers the storage area above the washer and dryer. There, she not only uses height but also has the cushioned camouflage of an old duffel filled with seldom-used bed linens. (The duffel bag is black, and my sister is, too.) Down low, I have several favorites. One of the cupboards that my human has not locked has a perfect shelf for snoozing. It is so dark in the cupboard that my human can’t see me unless she shines a light directly into the space. She has to crouch way down and reach up into the cupboard to find me. Another favorite low spot is inside my cat carrier. I have one of the soft-sided ones, and it’s dark and cozy in there, as long as my human doesn’t try to close it completely. She only does that when she takes me out in the car, which is usually to go to the vet, so I really don’t like it when the carrier gets zipped closed. But when the front flap stays open, I like to curl up way in the back. My human will walk right past me without seeing me. Other good spots include under the bed or other furniture, on the bookshelf behind the books, behind heavy curtains, and inside cardboard boxes. 

Step two: Change your routine. 

One of the best ways to win at hide-and-seek is to get your human used to finding you in one spot, and then suddenly change your routine. My human knows a lot of my favorite locations, but I can still fool her and send her searching, searching, searching. I’ll spend a week or a month or more napping in one of my cat beds. Then I’ll switch to the cupboard for a few days. Then I’ll move to the carrier, or I’ll go on top of the cabinets. Every now and then I discover an entirely new cozy spot, like behind the piles of books and papers that are (temporarily, supposedly) stored under the desk. Sometimes, my sister and I swap places, and I’ll take over her usual spot on the sofa or on top of our human’s pillows. My human might see me—though sometimes we blend in with the black upholstery—but at first glance she’ll mistakenly think I’m my sister and go searching elsewhere for me. 

Step three: Watch for the closet door to open. 

My human keeps a lot of things in the closet and she tries to keep me out of it, so the door is usually closed. This one is a little risky because you could end up closed in for the day, but my human doesn’t like to leave home without laying eyes on my sister and me, so the risk isn’t too high for us. If she finds one or both of us in the closet, she’ll sigh and leave a door open for us. Worst case scenario: If you get closed in, pushing the door at the right spot can open it. And it can be worth the risk because our closet contains several great hiding spots. I mostly like to be on the floor in the low space under the built-in shelves. Sometimes I like to curl up on top of a small dresser under my human’s pants, with the pants creating a curtain for my private bedroom. My sister likes a spot on an upper shelf next to a bunch of old sweatshirts. (She always seems to go up, while I sometimes like to go down.) All three spots require our human to twist and strain to see us, and she might even have to move clothes and papers out of the way. 

Step four: Stay quiet. 

When I really want to win, I keep my mouth shut and don’t respond to my human’s calls. If she’s been looking for a while, I’ll sometimes throw her a mew or two, especially when she is staring right at me and still not seeing me. But sometimes I wait to respond until she actually reaches in and makes contact with my fur if I’m tucked away, or until she looks me in the eyes. (Keeping your eyes closed is another important piece of hiding in plain sight.) That’s the beauty of hiding in plain sight: It only works if you stay quiet. If you meow or rustle around, you will be found. But if you stay quiet, your human will have to work harder to find you. The more spots your human has to check and the longer it takes her to see you, the bigger your hide-and-seek win. 

How to Satisfy Your Coffee Fix

How to Satisfy Your Coffee Fix 

According to Thea 

Do you know the taste of coffee? That dark, rich, bitter liquid that many humans drink? If not, I recommend that you try it. I discovered it when I was a tiny kitten, and I cannot get enough of it! 

When you are first discovering coffee, you might need to stick your face in a lot of different cylindrically shaped containers. I often find that the tall glass ones contain water, and they are a fun size for dipping your paw in the liquid. Sometimes those tall glasses have a sweet-smelling liquid that fizzes, though, so beware. The fizzy liquid tickles your nose and can make you sneeze. There’s another kind of tall glass container that has a long stem at the bottom. My human seems to like the liquid that comes in that container as much as she likes coffee, but it is not for me. One whiff and I know I don’t want it. Coffee, though, that’s a smell that draws me in. Sometimes nutty, sometimes earthy, sometimes chocolate-y, always strong and rich. My human mostly drinks it out of medium-sized cylindrical containers that have a curved stem on the side. During the hot summer months, coffee sometimes comes in the tall, glass containers, too (with the added fun of ice cubes rattling around in it). The point is, once you smell it, the scent is utterly recognizable and impossible to resist. The trick then becomes how to satisfy your craving for it. 

So, how do you satisfy your coffee fix? With persistence and patience. 

The first step is learning to recognize the smell, as described above. Next, observe your human’s behavior. What does her coffee ritual look like? My human has a few different ways that she makes coffee, but they all seem to involve some combination of ground-up coffee beans and water. Sometimes she makes a horrible noise by grinding the beans. Other times, she seems to scoop them pre-ground into her different coffee makers. I suppose some cats might be interested in that part of the process, but I just want the finished product. So, I keep an eye out for the moment that my human picks up a container of liquid with the coffee smell and walks toward one of her sitting places. On weekday mornings, she most commonly sits on the sofa with the silver rectangular device perched on the pillows next to her and a plate of food and a cup of coffee on the hard, flat edge of the sofa next to that. As soon as she sits down, I begin the coffee dance. 

I walk across my human and the pillows, heading toward the edge of the sofa. I might pause for a moment in front of the screen she’s trying to read. This helps to distract her. Then I pretend I need to move to the back of the sofa by way of the hard edge. Unfortunately, my human usually sees me as soon as I step onto the edge and begin to bend my head toward that sweet, sweet liquid, and she’ll grab the cup out of my reach. She usually snatches the plate, too, thereby depriving me of whatever nibbles it might contain. That first dance may not lead to any coffee, but rest assured that it serves a purpose: It reminds your human that you want some coffee and lets her know that you won’t stop until you succeed. As a bonus, you can also make your human look and feel ridiculous as she sits holding her plate and cup. It prevents her from tapping on the silver device and prevents her from actually eating whatever is on the plate. She can, however, continue to sip the coffee, which is what you want. Each sip that she takes brings it closer to your turn with the coffee cup. Plus, if your big sister is having Coffee and Lap Time, this move also prevents your human from stroking your sister and giving her extra attention. Sure, she still has the lap, but at least she doesn’t get the hands, too. 

The dance of picking up, sipping, and putting down usually continues for about 15 minutes or so. You can circle around and around, walking over your human, making her pick up the plate and cup, continuing to the back of the sofa, then back to your human, etc. If you prefer, you can also simply perch on the back of the sofa behind your human’s head. You can also squeeze onto your human’s lap on top of your big sister or even claim the lap for yourself. That’s not a bad way to wait out your turn, so I highly recommend taking some lap time if you can’t get to the coffee right away. 

While you wait, listen to the sound the cup makes when your human returns it to the hard surface. You can hear the change as the volume of liquid decreases. Act patient. Pretend you’ve lost interest. But listen carefully. You are waiting for the moment when the cup sounds empty. That’s when you really strike. Let your human focus on whatever she’s doing with the silver device and pretend you are no longer interested. Then, when your human lets her guard down, quickly and quietly slink over to the cup and stick your tongue on the inside edge. Your human may groan and complain, but once you lick the cup, it’s yours. 

If you have properly trained your human by licking the coffee cup whenever it is neglected, your human will start to signal when it is your turn by placing the cup (sometimes the plate of crumbs, too!) on the floor for you. But don’t bother waiting for the signal. Make your move and satisfy your coffee fix. You won’t regret it! 

How to Teach Your Human to Stay in Bed

How to Teach Your Human to Stay in Bed

According to Thea

If your human is anything like mine, then she probably has some sort of device that makes noise in the morning. Most mornings, when the device goes off, my human groans, turns over, taps the device, and sinks more deeply into her bed. In other words, this is an easy lesson to teach. Humans, by my observation, want to stay in bed in the morning. Your job is to encourage that natural inclination and watch out for those rare occasions when your human tries to leave the bed the moment the device sounds.

As a cat, you have two powerful weapons in your natural arsenal that humans cannot resist: cuddling and purring. Use them. Here’s how:

Step 1: If you are not already sleeping on top of your human’s legs, move into position as soon as the alarm goes off. This guarantees that your human will tap the device and stay in bed a bit longer because she “hates to disturb you,” especially when you just got comfortable. Pinning the legs to the bed also limits movement and makes it more difficult for your human to remove the legs from the bed.

Step 2: If the alarm sounds again and your human sighs and stretches, be ready to turn on the purr. She may be thinking about leaving the bed. Settle more deeply onto her legs, shifting as she shifts to remain on top of them, and make your purr extra loud. Your human will be powerless to resist. She will tap the device again and reach down to pet you. Purr even louder to reinforce this behavior.

Step 3: If your human starts making noises saying that she’s really sorry but she has to get up, make it as difficult for her as possible. Stay on top of her legs as she tries to move them. If she wiggles her legs free, position yourself between your human and the edge of the bed, so that she really has to maneuver around you and feels bad about disturbing your cuddle time. Once your human has completely contorted her body to sit up and reach the edge of the bed, the fight is over, and you might as well jump down to go supervise her shower. Plus, you can remind her of your power because if you had jumped down when she first tried to get up, she would not have needed to contort her body.

The Power Move: Reserve your real power for those mornings when your human acts like she is going to leave the bed the first time the device sounds. On those mornings, curling up or stretching out on her legs is not enough. You must sit on her chest and turn your purr up to full volume in her face. Rubbing against her head and gazing into her eyes can help, too, but it is vital that you position yourself so close to your human’s face that she cannot focus properly, and then purr, purr, purr. The louder the better! Your human might complain, but you’ll be able to hear in her voice that she doesn’t really mean it. She will be completely under your control. The next time she reaches for that device, it will likely be to record your adorableness. Once that happens, you’ve got her where you want her for at least another nine minutes, and probably longer. I once held my human in place for 30 minutes using this technique. It really works!

Of course, your human will eventually leave the bed no matter how skilled you are at cuddling and purring. But don’t worry. You can resume the process during Coffee and Lap Time. And if you really train your human well, she will learn to expect your presence on top of her whenever she is seated or lying down. I’m especially fond of becoming a lump on my human’s hip when she is reading or streaming videos in the evening, but I’ll save those instructions for another time.

How to Train Your Person to Share Veggies

How to Train Your Person to Share Veggies

According to Thea

Some people think cats only like to eat birds and mice and such. But my person doesn’t eat any animals, and the only ones I get to hunt are the insects that sneak inside. I do eat chicken and turkey daily, but the meat comes out of a can and appears in my food bowls all mushed up. Sometimes I get snacks that are flavored with chicken or turkey, too. Maybe if I lived with another person I would get excited about begging or sneaking bits of meat, but I’ve discovered something I think is just as tasty. The big treat in my household: vegetables.

It all started with a taste of arugula. That tangy, leafy herb opened my eyes to the wonders of green food. My sister snagged a leaf off of our person’s plate one evening, so she set a few leaves aside for us. Oh, boy! Yum! From that moment on, I demanded that my person share her arugula with me anytime I saw her preparing it. If my person didn’t automatically give me some, I reminded her of her responsibility by sticking my nose on the cutting board or on her plate. If she turned her back on the arugula before sharing it, I snuck a leaf for myself.

I soon discovered that there were other tasty leafy greens: spinach and lettuce in particular, but even kale, cabbage, and seaweed are worth some nibbles. I learned to watch for the salad spinner. If my person was washing greens of any kind, she had to share.

And not only green, leafy vegetables. Green beans! Broccoli! So many delicious crunchy vegetables! I have trained my person to share them all. How? With just a few simple steps and a lot of repetition. If you want your person to share veggies with you, here’s what you do.

First, pay attention to the crisper drawers at the bottom of the refrigerator. Veggies often come from those drawers. Washing is always involved, and usually the cutting board comes out, too. When you notice your person pulling green things from the crisper and then standing at the sink to wash them, position yourself on the stool facing her. That gives her a little space to work but also reminds her that you are there. Plus, you’ll look really adorable with your head peeking over the counter when you sit on the stool. Looking adorable is always a bonus in getting what you want.

If your person does not seem to pick up on the hint, move from the stool to the counter itself. You might get scolded, but chances are you’ll get your share of the veggies, too. Sometimes your person might be too distracted thinking about other things--though I have no idea what could be more important than paying attention to me. When that happens, she might go through the usual steps of pulling veggies from the crisper and washing them, but forget about the sharing piece. The best thing to do is to help yourself. Grab a green bean from the strainer in the sink. Snag a broccoli floret from the cutting board. If your thievery goes unnoticed, all the better. Your person might wake up and share, too, so you would get twice as many goodies. If your person catches you stealing, jump down and proceed to munch on your treat as if you are doing nothing wrong. It will remind your person of the importance of sharing, and you’ll get your nibbles. Chances are, your person will find your sneaky behavior adorable. And, again, adorable helps!    

In short, be present, get in the way, and take what you want if it is not offered. With enough repetition, your person will learn and the sharing will be an automatic part of any meals with fresh leafy greens, broccoli, or green beans. Cauliflower is pretty good, too.

P.S. I don’t like carrots, though.

How to Train Your Human for Coffee and Lap Time

How to Train Your Human for Coffee and Lap Time

(Note: Some compromises and patience are required.)

According to Zooey

Training your human for Coffee and Lap Time is a more complex process than Re-Zooification is. While it is easy to demand and receive lap time, I have learned that if I want more than a few minutes on the lap, I must wait patiently for my human to prepare coffee and settle in. Otherwise, she will kick me off just as I’m getting comfortable. In my household, there is an additional danger/compromise that comes from waiting. My little sister sometimes pushes her way onto the lap while I am exercising patience. Then I have to wait longer. I sometimes have to wait so long that I give up and curl up next to my human instead of on her lap. But when it works, Coffee and Lap Time is one of my favorite times of the day.

Here’s what you do to achieve that magical moment. After the Re-Zooification process, distract yourself with some extended time rolling around the bath mat while your human gets things started in the kitchen. When you hear water flowing into the kettle and flames burning beneath it on the stove, leave the bathroom and follow your person around the kitchen for a while. Remind her to put cat food out, too.

It takes time for the water to come to a boil, so your human will likely sit down. Don’t be fooled by this. She will jump up again in a few minutes, so this is not the time to claim the lap. However, you should follow her over to the sofa and find an appropriate waiting spot. You want to be close enough to stare woefully at your human but far enough that you do not interfere with her coffee-making rituals. Any interference only slows your human down and delays Coffee and Lap Time.

Continue to sit and stare woefully when your human returns to the sofa after pouring hot water over her coffee grounds. Although she will sit for a while longer, it is still not quite Coffee and Lap Time. She might even cover the lap with a silver electronic device. (Regarding that device, for some reason, your human may not appreciate your walking across the black keys on the bottom. Doing so could result in loud noises and movements that further impede future Coffee and Lap Time.)

When your human returns to the sofa with a coffee mug in hand, edge a little closer to remind her that you are waiting for Coffee and Lap Time. Wait patiently while she places a ratty blanket over her lap and settles in to her seat. This is the risky moment. If your little sister has joined the wait, she will likely pounce on the lap as soon as the blanket is in place. Try to get there first if you can. If your sister gets there first, you must continue to wait patiently. Make yourself look at sad as possible, so that your human will limit your little sister’s time and make room for you.

Assuming you are able to stake your claim on the lap, Coffee and Lap Time can now officially begin. Purr, knead your human’s lap, purr some more, and curl up in a ball. Your human will sip her coffee, twist her back to work without disturbing you, and gently stroke your head and back just the way you like. If your human got out of bed when she was supposed to, you can spend up to 30 minutes holding her in place during Coffee and Lap Time.